I'm the Conductor of This Here Train

And now folks...
She did it!!
Well, I did. I finally signed up for school... and I start in 3 days. :)
wOOt!!!
It's about god damned freakin time!!! So, I count this as the first step in the positive new path I am outlining for myself (who sounds like a hippie? Geez.) I'm starting to generate motivation from within instead of looking to outside sources to provide it for me. Which is very convenient. I'm like my own little energy generating windmill! LOL. Now I miss California. :)
Also. I'm starting to feel somewhat on track. Not sure which track this is or where it's final destination would be, but it's a great feeling. What's that lyric? "Always on the right train, never ever on the right track". That was me. Now I'm working to ammend that. I'm trying to find direction in what I am doing and where I want to see myself go.I know I want to be sucessfull. But what does that mean to me? Where do I want to focus my energy?
I want to be great at school.
I want to be patient and good at teaching Luke to read and write and behave.
I want to be an equal and contributing half opposite Cole in a functioning relationship.
I'm pretty sure that's the closest thing to a plan I've come up w/ so far.
See little girl?? Not so hard! I'm ALL OVER this function and focus thing!!!
Ha ha ha. Not quite.
Now.
Let's see if I can play well w/ others at school.

Grow up, Bitch

Sooo....

It's a strange place when you realize everything you use to validate yourself comes from a place in your head that doesn't exist in reality.

I've just discovered that all along, I've been wrong and it's been so blatenley obvious that it's almost laughable that I couldn't see how selfish and juvinille I've been allowing myself to be.

I have a problem.

Multipule problems, to be exact.

And they all originate w/ me. Not anyone else. No one caused them or is perpetuating them. Not one single person is inhibiting me from overcoming them. I am my own blocking force.

I don't know what to do, so I just sit quietly and wait for the answer to come find me. This friends, is what we call "dillusional". And it is an ineffective method of living your life.

Take it from me.

So, with this being the start of a new year, and a very important deciding year for me, I have resolved to ammend the situation that I previously condemed myself to. I have come to understand (as understanding is a key element that I had previously overlooked) that I cannot rightly expect anyone to bring me complete happiness until I myself can do so. And the converse of this statement is also true, which explains a lot of my failures these past 4 years.

In addition, I now see that in order to change the things I dislike about myself, I must first GET OFF MY ASS. Only then will any changes be made to take permanent effect. Therfore, I am going to start tracking my every move, thought, action, and f*ck up, much like a recovering addict would. Which is actually quite fitting, since the way I'm living my life is like a poison I can't seem to kick. I will monitor my progress, and hopefully less often- regression, until I can identify the underlying factors causing these habits to continue as acceptable, and obliterate them from existance.

And through this all, I can look to the 2 brightest spots in my world as the greatest sense of motivation I have ever come to know. One of whom is counting on me to help mold his mind and avoid the things I am currently struggling w/. The other being the greatest mind I have ever encountered in real life, as well as one I am lucky enought to have on my team.

I can.

I will.

Today.