On The Brink of Discovery

I have never been this excited and terrified for anything before.

I've moved states, several times, sneaked out, gotten arrested, and had a baby. Still, nothing has ever made me feel these two emotions so intensely and simultaneously before. And as I stand here at what seems to be the beginning of the end for Cole and I, this is exactly what is coursing through my veins at this moment. Everything I've ever actually taken the time to plan out for myself is crumbling. All the plans I've made in the last 3 years are blowing away like ashes. My whole life viewpoint has suddenly been disrupted, and there's the awful possibility that I was wrong all along staring me in the face. Despite all of this, it's like all of the sudden the mist is clearing and I can see things I could not before. I'm opening my eyes, and I'm realizing that everything I knew all along was seen through someone else's eyes. I've been taking what I'm given for so long that I forgot there was a possibility to do it myself. And now, I'm curious to the idea. CAN I do it? Am I capable? Will I crash and burn like everyone expects or will I rise above everything I've ever allowed to get in my way? And if I do, if I make it passed every wall and every block I encounter... then what?

Hung Over Confessional

I have NO idea what I want.
Scratch that. What I want is to just once, be selfish and think of only me and do what I need done to be happy. But of course, it doesn't work like that. There are so many other factors in this situation that I have to factor in.
Luke. Family. What's best for everyone else but me.
I don't even know if I want out or not. I'm so sick to fucking death of this constant up and down battle we seem to be stuck in. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but it should NEVER be this hard. There's no way this is normal. Or healthy.
We're fucked up.
I can't go through this all the damn time. What is it that is so wrong w/ me that he has to break me down to this point?? I hate this. This is not where I want to be. And if it wasn't for my amazing son, it wouldn't be. But I would go through hell and back for him. I guess this is the entrance test.