Over and Over Again.

So here I am again.

Making up cicumstances in my head. Ones where you say the perfect things, hold me close and tell me you want me there.

Of course, it's usually after a crap chick flick or a few drinks that this happens.

Who am I kidding? It's all the time.

I hate that my go to move, my default if-all-else-fails plan is powerless w/ you.

I can't push you out of my mind if you're always in my sight.

And you know just how to put yourself there, don't you?

I hate that I still look forward to your call. Even though it rarely comes before 2 a.m.

You really do suck.

I'm so over trying to catch your eye, sleeping by my phone, and hoping you'll say something nice.

That is, until the next time I see you.

Ugh.

And here we lay...

You are a waste of time.

And yet, here I sit, having just squandered away a whole shift talking of how I have preceved you to be. And how preception can be deciving.

Nothing is like it used to be, and all I want is to hit rewind and get back some time to tell you that I never wanted anything to get like this.

I should have just shut up.

I should have just spoken up.

Every different reaction now floats through my head like a teasing other realm, where one different conversation or one changed move would have gotten me you.

You're so not worth this stress.

At the same time, you're worth everything. Even this.

There's this absence when I talk to you now.

Like something good has passed, and will never be reclaimed.

Why are you so stupid?!

I just want to talk to you again, from under your grip.

I like the way you smile.

I wish that you'd have just been a little smarter, a little nicer, a little cleaner.

I wish you'd just be an ass so I can justify wiping you from my memories.

You're nothing. You're over.

I want you gone.

Oh fuck it.

Come over.

Living in Fast Forward

So not a lotta newness happening at the moment.

Just been a while since I put some thoughts down on paper (screen?) and thought I'd better get to it before they escape me forever.

Went into self preservation/self sabotage/lazy mode recently and severed ties w/ a new potential.

Although, didn't really like him to begin w/, so no harm no foul.

Also, newly introduced to chicken sh*t mode, since at the suggestion of friends, been debating whether or not to make a play for an oldie but goody.

Subconsciously leaning toward no.

Want to, but no guts.

No glory :S

On the other hand. rocking like the Stones at school. Grades are great! On top of shish.

Lovin' this.

Trying to get everything else together.

Trying to get on this fitness thing.

Running, TRYING to eat better.

(Junk food's just so damn good!)

Trying to get a place for Luke and I.

Need to get out of my parent's house. Love them to death and sooo grateful they are here to help out, but it's time to be a big girl.

LOL.

Ugh. As I'm staring intently at oldie but goody, my resolve to fully sink into the corner and never put myself out there is strengthened.

Ugh. It's messy.

Progress Report

Stop.

Right here, right now... this very moment.

Everything is grand.

Yes, I have gotten my ish together and am in the process of making everything better.

I love growing up!! :)

I feel like such the big kid all of the sudden. I'm handling it. I'm getting it done. I'm surviving.

No, more than that, I'm THRIVING.

And loving it!

Bring 'Em Out Bring 'em Out!

Eff yes.

I am soley surviving.

That is to say: I AM SINGLE AND LOVING IT. :)

I cannot believe I was so scared of this period of my life.

I mean, the initial shock was hard. Going from having a constant companion (whether absent or not) to being alone and a party of one was an adjustment. But one I made quickly and rather smoothly. I guess after all that time of contemplating what it would be like and going through the motions, I was already well on my way to being adjusted.

I wish I could say the converse is true and that Cole is fairing as well as I.

He is not.

It's kind of sad the way we play out like an elevator. For one to go up, the other must go down.

He has taken to constantly reminding me that we can be great, that he messed up and that he misses/loves/needs me and that with one more chance, he can sufficiantly show me.

I don't have any more chances to dole out.

So in that aspect, it's not going well.

But in the selfish, ever growing, self pleasing world of Max- the sun is shining. :)

I'm loving being myself for no one other than me.

I love doing things on my schedule w/o the sting of dissaproval lurking in the background.

And damnit, I casually enjoy flirting w/ a hot guy at a bar!

=D

All is well.

Crossroads

Soo...

What's a girl to do??

On the one hand, I have the fairlytale. Picture perfect. A magazine cover.

Honestly, I've never been that girl.

On the other hand, I have untamed, unknown, and unplanned.

Now this, kids, is right up my alley.

I know that I'm supposed to grow and mature and want to settle down and wear an apron - gag - but damn it, what if that's just not me??

I am a great mom and I still go out, I still live to play it by ear, I still have outlandish dreams and completely illogical ideas. I don't want to be Miss Homemaker. And that's where I see my current path going. I'm struggling w/ the situation I'm finding my self in at this point of my life.

When did the rules get penned w/o my input??

I don't want to hurt anyone. That's just not me.

But do I go along on auto pilot, resolving to be pretty happy but knowing in my heart I wanted different?

And if I do, would that bring more hurt than I would right now?

Cause that kind of black hole cannot be avoided forever.

BTW - Is what I'm wanting just the idea? Or am I actually informed and equipped to make the decision? I have a feeling I'm basing this off feelings and transferring them to option 2, which could lead to a let down, but I'd still be free.

Oh Boscoe, I envy you right now.

I'm the Conductor of This Here Train

And now folks...
She did it!!
Well, I did. I finally signed up for school... and I start in 3 days. :)
wOOt!!!
It's about god damned freakin time!!! So, I count this as the first step in the positive new path I am outlining for myself (who sounds like a hippie? Geez.) I'm starting to generate motivation from within instead of looking to outside sources to provide it for me. Which is very convenient. I'm like my own little energy generating windmill! LOL. Now I miss California. :)
Also. I'm starting to feel somewhat on track. Not sure which track this is or where it's final destination would be, but it's a great feeling. What's that lyric? "Always on the right train, never ever on the right track". That was me. Now I'm working to ammend that. I'm trying to find direction in what I am doing and where I want to see myself go.I know I want to be sucessfull. But what does that mean to me? Where do I want to focus my energy?
I want to be great at school.
I want to be patient and good at teaching Luke to read and write and behave.
I want to be an equal and contributing half opposite Cole in a functioning relationship.
I'm pretty sure that's the closest thing to a plan I've come up w/ so far.
See little girl?? Not so hard! I'm ALL OVER this function and focus thing!!!
Ha ha ha. Not quite.
Now.
Let's see if I can play well w/ others at school.

Grow up, Bitch

Sooo....

It's a strange place when you realize everything you use to validate yourself comes from a place in your head that doesn't exist in reality.

I've just discovered that all along, I've been wrong and it's been so blatenley obvious that it's almost laughable that I couldn't see how selfish and juvinille I've been allowing myself to be.

I have a problem.

Multipule problems, to be exact.

And they all originate w/ me. Not anyone else. No one caused them or is perpetuating them. Not one single person is inhibiting me from overcoming them. I am my own blocking force.

I don't know what to do, so I just sit quietly and wait for the answer to come find me. This friends, is what we call "dillusional". And it is an ineffective method of living your life.

Take it from me.

So, with this being the start of a new year, and a very important deciding year for me, I have resolved to ammend the situation that I previously condemed myself to. I have come to understand (as understanding is a key element that I had previously overlooked) that I cannot rightly expect anyone to bring me complete happiness until I myself can do so. And the converse of this statement is also true, which explains a lot of my failures these past 4 years.

In addition, I now see that in order to change the things I dislike about myself, I must first GET OFF MY ASS. Only then will any changes be made to take permanent effect. Therfore, I am going to start tracking my every move, thought, action, and f*ck up, much like a recovering addict would. Which is actually quite fitting, since the way I'm living my life is like a poison I can't seem to kick. I will monitor my progress, and hopefully less often- regression, until I can identify the underlying factors causing these habits to continue as acceptable, and obliterate them from existance.

And through this all, I can look to the 2 brightest spots in my world as the greatest sense of motivation I have ever come to know. One of whom is counting on me to help mold his mind and avoid the things I am currently struggling w/. The other being the greatest mind I have ever encountered in real life, as well as one I am lucky enought to have on my team.

I can.

I will.

Today.