Tornado Meets a Volcano

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like

And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe...

I'm trying.

I really am.

But this is more than difficult.

This hurts.

This is work I was not prepared to have to do.

This is unknown.

You read about this kind of situation.

Then look at the characters with pity and write the whole thing of because it will never happen to you.

I am so torn.

I don't know what is expected of me here.

My first instinct is to cut all ties and count the losses.

I don't need to be involved with this.

I avoid this.

This is beneath me.

On the other hand, this is now my life, like it or not.

This set of circumstances has been forced on me, and now I have to deal with it.

The only choice I have is how.

I want to be the strength that is necessary right now.

I want so badly to over look all of the deceit and the betrayal.

What I really want is not not sound like such a damn soap opera.

I want to swing and hit and kick and scream until my muscles give out.

I know what I would do if he were the casualty in this situation.

I would lie/cheat/beg/steal/maim to make everything better.

But, do I hold the same resolve when it's myself getting slaughtered?

Why wouldn't I?

Because it would mean the end of everything I hold in value.

Because a short time ago, I promised I would make those sacrifices.

I promised to protect him with my life.

...even if it is from himself.

Scars Remind Us That The Past Was Real

Trust is funny.

I mean, it's seemingly always there, unnoticed.

Until it's not.

Then, it becomes this immense, gaping hole where something critical used to be.

Suddenly, you find yourself looking around and wondering when the world started closing in on you.

And how such an event was able to trespass unnoticed.

And not only do you start to question the world in which you thought you knew, you begin to question yourself as well.

Am I really this daft?

I mean, is it really this easy to convince me of untruth, so much so that I would be willing to bet my life on something as unconcrete as words?

And then, the doubt spreads.

It invades the other aspects of your thought that you once held sacred, it infests the other areas that you thought were protected.

Worse of all, it makes a villain of the very thing that proved to you that trust is in fact, this fragile.

It takes all the evil of the uncertainty and darkness you are now shrouded in and reincarnates itself as something you once held in regard.

Only now, it has been defaced.

It has been disfigured. 

It has been ruined.

And nothing you do can reverse it.

Now, you either take it as it is, in it's less than state, or you leave it behind and remember what it used to be.

You chose to settle, or you chose to break. 

Greatly Blessed, Highly Favored & Deeply Loved.

"Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home"

So I came home last night, and in an effort to see some glimpse of me for just a fleeting minute, my husband had dragged our queen sized mattress up our winding stairs and set up a "sleep over" bed in the living room to meet me at. I mean, really.

I got to hang out w/ my son all day today, and in the middle of a movie we were watching, he cuddles up to me, looks me in the eye and says, "Mom, I love you" and lays back on my shoulder.

It's times like these, when I have to take a deep breath.

 All this for me?

Are you sure?

It's like winning the lottery, but not recalling you bought a ticket.

Do I really get to keep this?

Or at any time, is someone going to come knocking on my door, reclaiming what was mistakenly awarded to me?

I know that "lucky" does not begin to describe what I have.

I have been bestowed two glowing sources of love, strength and warmth.

I could have nothing, no earthly possession in the world, and still I would involuntarily smile at the sight of my loves.

They are what keep my head on straight, my feet moving forward.

The are my drive, propelling me to Be Better.

I can't think of one thing, one thing on Earth that I value more than these two.

It's amazing what kind of fierce love you are capable of blindly developing.

I was not aware of what was cultivating.

I was not actively trying nor did I consciously attempt to build value in these people or the life we share.

And yet, I would end life for them.

Without a moments hesitation.

I would suffer. I would cry. I would even change.

If only one of them deemed it necessary.

"Love" is a trivial description.

A surface title.

A fledgling emotion compared to the infinite I have for these two.

There is nothing greater.

Climbing the Walls Gets Me Nowhere

I never knew pain like this, until you showed up. 

I never knew love, I never knew fear, I never knew desperation until this empty night. 

I never knew I was breakable. I never knew I was so vulnerable.

I hate being this exposed.

And yet, I'm ready to bear all.

I would strip down to the very fibers of existence, if you would just tell me what to do now. 

I cannot function with this knot in the pit of my stomach. 

My day is a bleak, gray fog. 

There is nothing to come home to this week.

I've never been so deflated.

I need your help. This isn't a one man fix. 

I cannot tell you how much I need you to just hold my hand. 

It's a feeling like looking up at the surface, knowing the taste of air...

But you just can't swim fast enough. 

I'm drowning.

I'm suffocating.

This is hell. 

Colder. 

Please, please. 

Just come back home. 

Standing on the Rooftop Ready to Fall

"Trusting you is my decision, proving me right is your choice."

Trust is funny.

It's expected, in certain places. Like it's supposed to be given freely to some.

But, the way I see it, I expect you to earn it.

And that expectation only grows with your importance in my life.

I'm not one to let myself be the idiot.

I will not get taken by surprise, you will not have fooled me for long.

I don't care what it takes, I will protect myself.

I will stomp all over you, I will crush all semblance of function.

If only in self preservation.

How is it that someone can be so undeserving, and still have the audacity to expect they should be trusted?

Sometimes I don't get people.

And faster and faster, I'm losing my resolve to try.

Be Better

“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!”

― Bob Marley

Love this quote.

Actually, as I sit here reading multiple quotes by this genius man, I love most of his words.

Kind of my same feelings toward Jack Kerouac.

But anyways, this is more about my own legacy than that of others.

I have decided that my new guideline, my new words to live by, are "BE BETTER" (thus, the title of this post).

It's funny, I have always used these words to motivate my son in all aspects of life.

In school, it was used to help him see that studying and learning puts him ahead of the rest of the class.

In football, it was used to drive him to practice harder, longer, listen to suggestions.

In life, he's been directed to be better and live so that people miss you when you're not around.

I've always told him, "Whatever you do, be better".
I hadn't thought to turn this advice on myself until very recently.

Lately, I've noticed something about myself.

There is room for improvement.

Not that I thought of myself as perfect. Close, but...

Lately, I've been less than sunny.

Less ambitious, less driven than I like to see myself as.

And for a while there, I just put up with it. 

Along with all the other negativity that comes with that kind of demeanor.

Recently, I found myself in such a rut, and out of nowhere,

"Be Better"

 flashed in my head an I was able to push though it and come out of the other side successful.  

Wow.

It was powerful for me.

I tried it again the next day and was again able to triumph.

It stifles my lazy, it quells the doubt.

It's amazing what a small shift in mindset can do for your overall outlook.

It's funny.

One day I'm slumming through motions, on auto-pilot and nothing in my head.

Today, I'm driven again.

I have viable thoughts and goals.

I have a handle on my insecurities and faults, and am more apt to deny them attention.

Still working on the trust aspects.

Have had a few breeches in that area as of late.

Not blatant lies, but some of the shiny cloak is beginning to chip, and I'm not comfortable with what is being reveled.

On that, I feel like my new mentality is preparing me for what I may need to deal with.

I can face it.

I can do this.

I can be better.



Mine All Mine

I am a woman in process. I'm just trying like everybody else. I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is never dull.

Oprah Winfrey

I almost want to leave this space blank, so as not to distract or tarnish the words I found to open this post.

I love words, especially when they are well strung together to deliver a point that holds value.

These words, describe everything I am.

Everyday, I have a different idea about who I want to become.

There is always a new fascination, always one more idea I am able to take into account to mold my point of view.

This, to me, is wondrous.

Some days, it is also overwhelming.

But all days, it is beautiful.

In 96 days, I will take on another role, another view point.

In 96 days, I will be a wife to the most amazing man I have ever met.

I get to keep him. He's all mine.

I can't grasp in my head the vastness of this upcoming position.

But I cannot wait to step into forever with Chase and Luke.

Cans of Worms Are to be Avoided

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. - Buddha

...but somehow, I can't seem to help it.

It's hard to discern between crazy and justified.

Am I crazy for thinking and assuming and generally loathing behavior I think is inappropriate?

Or is it justified by my merely having to think these thoughts?

I tend to lean toward one or the other, dependent on the day.

Thus, my hesitance to bring it up and suffer the consequences of my potential over reaction.

But in doing so, I'm harboring an ill feeling.

Which is slowly turning towards disdain.

That I worry may cross into hatred.

Which eventually leads to the worst accumulation of all of these... apathy.

Apathy equates to not caring one way of the other if the source of all this dysfunction is present or not.

And at this moment, at the beginning phase of this unrest, I care enough to want to guard against slipping down that cliff.

But again, what if it's all in my head?

Easy Peasey

I am so brimming w/ excitement I am going to explode (not literally since it is medically impossible for excitement to accumulate in your system, but you get my point).

I am planning my wedding and it could not be going more perfectly!

Everything is just literally falling into place - it's so easy!

I thought this was going to be difficult planning on our own, but turns out Chase and I are rockstars :)

We have most everything picked out and taken care of... I CANNOT WAIT!

I am horrible w/ secrets (not as bad as Chase, but pretty useless). So of course, I keeping wanting to divulge every little detail about the ceremony and reception.

I accidentally gave my sis the wedding website address already, which has her pictured as my MOH.

I haven't even asked her yet!!!

Luckily, she never reads those things :)

But this Sunday, I arranged to take all my girls of the bridal party out for a mimosa brunch to formally ask them to be part of the reception!!!

I'm so excited!!! I have these cute little bags made up for them, and a ring that spells out "Love" for each of them that I will "propose" w/ (damn you, Pinterest). It's going to be a blast!!!

Chase is just as excited as I am on all of this, which makes it all the more better.

Of course, I've had to put the smack down on a couple of tasks, but he's come through!! :)

All in all, it's going to be wonderful becoming Mrs. Lechner, and I can't wait until it happens.