In the Words of Mr. Marley...

So, how do you know?
I mean, how does anyone REALLY know?
Do you rely on the combination of butterflies and dizziness that seems to surface the second he's in sight?
Is it the overwhelming feeling of content that washes over when I wake up still tangled in w/ him?
Maybe it's the fact that when I'm supposed to be paying attention to anything else, I'm distracted fabricating a future in my head where everything is wonderful and he comes home to me.
Ugh. What have I become?
I don't remember ever feeling this compelled to put myself on the line in hopes of some small return.
I live to see his name on my phone, for the slight looks he gives while walking by, to fall asleep still smelling of his cologne.
Wow. I am NOT this.
When did this happen?
When did "excited" become the only emotion I am capable of feeling??!
Although, I don't like the delirious little girl this has reduced me to, I must admit, I'm enjoying every second.

Down the Rabbit Hole

So this is nothing more than the rantings of a foolish girl who has just been swept away, but...
Wow.
This does not happen.
I am not that girl!
I hate dates. I hate dating. I hate the awkward phase and the shoddy conversation. I hate the lingering expectations. I hate waiting for the inevitable reversal of interest.
And yet, here I stand, absolutely GIDDY about a new prospect.
Wtf??!?!?! Who am I???!?
This does not happen!
I find myself replaying events in my head throughout the day. Telling the stories to anyone who will listen. I find a way to bring it up in every conversation, and then still have the nerve to smile about it as if it has caught me off guard.
I'm literally searching for every opportunity I can find to spend time w/ him. It's all I want to do anymore!
Gracious goodness - where is my head?
Whatever comes from this situation, at least I had this.

Life and Things Like It

So here we go again, at the helm of another whirlwind.

Nothing horrible, nothing stellar.

Just to be.

I've been experimenting lately.

Perhaps that's not the word I'm looking for. It sounds too focused.

I've been "testing the waters" lately, in one peculiar aspect of life.

Stretching my boundaries, expanding my comfort zones.

Of course, all of this w/o the proper know how on how to keep it under control.

I am an expert at feigning control. Naive about implementing it.

It's a parlous line I walk, over dicey circumstances that I want nothing to do w/.

And still, I am here.

I can blame everyone. Blame loneliness, blame faces, blame the situation.

Eventually, it all leads back to me.

I have not yet grasped the process in which one asserts limits and expectations.

Where was that in the "Life" instruction manual?

I have a feeling it's going to be a few tumultuous episodes before the understanding of the "power", so to speak, comes to me.

Here's to hoping.

Face Value Doesn't Lie

So so.

Nothing more than the realization of an assumed ideology projected onto a false hope.

Basically: you're a dick and you suck.

Oh, and thanks for wasting my time. That was sweet.

Looking back, it's easy to see the mistakes and blind spots I lead myself to believe were infinitesimal. They were smoothed over w/ pretty words and carefully placed apologies, excuses and other weapons you brought out only when in dire need.

I should have hated you right away.

I think I did, so much so that the only way to express it was complete and total adoration.

You suck.

And yet, in some small, non accredited way I am grateful for you.

Because of you, I know where I stand and what I can handle.

Because of you, I can speak up. I have found my voice.

Because of you, I can more easily recognize despicable and am more apt to guard against it.

So thanks.

For everything: making me smile way back when, the butterfly feeling, the awareness, for generally sucking at life and everything decent.

I owe you.

Wait. No. No, I don't.

Nothing Changes, Nothing Stays the Same.

Wow. Things are very different from a few weeks ago.
There have have been ups and downs, side to side... LOL.
Things go on w/o anyone taking notice of them.
There hasn't been any significant amount of progress or regression... just a steady stream of good things coming and going. Which is no cause for complaint.
Or anything more for that matter.
I have, for the most part, resolved all of the dramatics I had been drowning in.
That feels great.
Keeping afloat in school.
Still being a slightly better than average mom.
:)
New prospects coming to light.
Love when that happens. It's kind of the icing on the already scrumptious cake!!!
Loving this time I'm moving slowly/rapidly through.
<3 span="">

Been a while since I've checked in.

I know that sounds metaphorical, but I meant that as literal as possible.

Today is my little boy's birthday!

I'm old.

No really. I'm getting freaking old. Ugh.

Not much going on in the exciting departments.

No new news. Again.

I need a vacation. :)

I'm going to Flagstaff for the Bid's birthdays next weekend.

That could prove to be interesting, :D

Suddenly, I cannot wait for this trip!