So. I've decided that this is my place to vent. To kick and scream like a 3 year old about anything and everything that has ever, will ever, or may ever piss me off. This is my little place where I can say whatever I want w/o worry that I will be judged, thought badly of, or held against me. In turn, w/o all these restrictions holding me back, I will be honest. I will, for the first time, be honest w/ my self and address all the things I've been to scared to acknowledge in my head for fear someone will hear me. Here goes:
I'd rather die pretty than live ugly.
How fucked up is that?? And it's not to say that if I were ever in a horrible, disfiguring accident that I would kill myself (my son is more important than my vanity), but that's my mentality. And it's nothing I've chosen for myself. It's something that I've allowed to evolve w/ me for so long unchecked that it eventually became part of me. People have always told me I was pretty (and see - here's one of those parts. I've never voiced this b/c I can just see the look on the therapist's chubby face that says "This spoiled little bitch is so stuck on herself". Live w/ that for a day). There are people who would call that a blessing. Not that I don't appreciate it, but it's a hard standard to live up to everyday. To walk into a room and people stare and you feel like there's a neon light on every one of your flaws, physical or otherwise. To hear people chalk up your hard earned achievements to "it's cause your cute". And for people to treat you like you're strong enough to take anything cause you're made of something unbreakable. It's like you're an object, completely devoid of feeling or reaction. You become numb to outside influences and scared to death of anything that threatens to break in. I can't stand the comments. "You must be used to this by now" or "They don't care what you say or not. You're pretty." I had a teacher in high school that, when I didn't know the answer to a question, told the whole class "It's a good thing she's pretty. At least she has that." I wanted to throw my desk on his face and jump on his lungs. I literally had to fight to keep composure the rest of that hour. It is incredible what constant scrutiny can do to your self esteem and self image. I'd rather go around w/ a bag over my head and be free to speak and act like I want than live trapped in my own outlook for the rest of my life.
I'd rather die pretty than live ugly.
How fucked up is that?? And it's not to say that if I were ever in a horrible, disfiguring accident that I would kill myself (my son is more important than my vanity), but that's my mentality. And it's nothing I've chosen for myself. It's something that I've allowed to evolve w/ me for so long unchecked that it eventually became part of me. People have always told me I was pretty (and see - here's one of those parts. I've never voiced this b/c I can just see the look on the therapist's chubby face that says "This spoiled little bitch is so stuck on herself". Live w/ that for a day). There are people who would call that a blessing. Not that I don't appreciate it, but it's a hard standard to live up to everyday. To walk into a room and people stare and you feel like there's a neon light on every one of your flaws, physical or otherwise. To hear people chalk up your hard earned achievements to "it's cause your cute". And for people to treat you like you're strong enough to take anything cause you're made of something unbreakable. It's like you're an object, completely devoid of feeling or reaction. You become numb to outside influences and scared to death of anything that threatens to break in. I can't stand the comments. "You must be used to this by now" or "They don't care what you say or not. You're pretty." I had a teacher in high school that, when I didn't know the answer to a question, told the whole class "It's a good thing she's pretty. At least she has that." I wanted to throw my desk on his face and jump on his lungs. I literally had to fight to keep composure the rest of that hour. It is incredible what constant scrutiny can do to your self esteem and self image. I'd rather go around w/ a bag over my head and be free to speak and act like I want than live trapped in my own outlook for the rest of my life.
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